My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
