There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
