You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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