I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
