please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
