3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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