omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
