did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
