you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
