You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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