I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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