You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
