My first STD was from a foam party
Say something about gay babies.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
