That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
only you would photoshop your dick
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
