my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
