I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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