Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
