I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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