The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
