We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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