Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
