a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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