when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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