You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
