If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
