Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
