ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
