I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
