it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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