Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
