she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
