Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize