Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
