i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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