ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
