last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
