just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
