WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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