We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dear god my vagina.
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