I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
