I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize