what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
