I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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