At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
