I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize