please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize