What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
