He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
