The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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