and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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