Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
