Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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