guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Randomize
