The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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