I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
