So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
