I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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