he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
