awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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