If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
barbara walters just said penis...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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