My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
