you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
