im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
