Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
